I have been absent in many ways the last few weeks.
I have concentrated on arting and haven’t felt like writing.
When I am into my art I don’t feel like eating, or doing any of the self medicating things that I normally need to do to get through a day.
Art is my favorite version of “Xanax”.
I love that feeling of connecting to my inner creativity-when the circuits are jumping all is well with the world-I seldom have a “dry” ART day.
The sad parts of my life continue to lessen although the anxiety is high-I have a lot of decisions to make and I don’t care for tight rope walking…never have.
What I want, all I want is a sense of safety and security beyond that I don’t want for much.
I am getting the three year itch-I was told It would come-when you make a major geographic move you seldom land exactly where you want to be unless it has been well planned far in advance.
I love this quiet beach community but I’m not at all sure I love Southern California anymore.
This end of the state has its own set of issues and congestion might be the biggest negative.
Just TOO MANY PEOPLE in too small an area.
Odd when you consider that the Los Angeles Mega-Plex stretches from Santa Barbara in the north to the Mexican border south and almost 100 miles inland-an unimaginably huge continuous city huge on diversity but maybe too full for a child of mid-century America.
I grew up amongst the Orange and Avocado trees out east of Los Angeles-the real suburbs of the 50’s with the community feeling and neighbors in neighborhoods-I miss that sense of community and knowing people.
It has become harder and harder to know people in Southern California-we have developed invisible but substantial walls around ourselves and we travel a little scared and nervous-Life in the post 9-11 land of the impending BIG ONE is about be suspicious of all those around you, internet scams and who is getting what that they don’t deserve and how can I get some too.
Not how I planned to spend the final third of my life.
“Loneliness is such a sad affair and I can hardly wait to talk to you again…”
I spend DAYS without seeing and sometimes without speaking to anyone else although I am well connected to the internet…I communicate but I don’t converse.
Not in any interactive, spontaneous way at any rate.
So I’m treading water…trying to decide what next while busily being involved in what’s now, not the best way to be but at least not shut down and exhausted, fragile as I was a few months back.