The holidays are often so frenetic and full of angst that when they are over when feels as if there is a hole, a missing something---post Christmas depression…not this year…
This year the holidays were warm and full of friends and family and genuine hugs and lights and tinsel and an old fashioned laid back feeling that I haven’t felt for years.
People hugged genuine hugs, warm loving deep hugs not just that male chest bumps I have come to expect-my sweet dear niece has a way of hugging and I don’t want to let her go I just absorb that youthful clean warm affection that hasn’t had a chance to go bitter yet.
Maybe it’s almost a year of therapy? My mental state is so much better than it was…not fully repaired (can it ever be I wonder) but more appropriate, more grounded and less fragile and all in all I refuse many times to let the anxieties and other assorted BS of mental issues get in my way anymore than they have to.
I continue to crank out the ATCs and other bits of creativity-I have ventured into some interesting areas of making little fat books for people but more and more they are infused with my original first love sketching and pen and inks-I have made the first steps towards selling on Etsy although what I sell there remains to be seen---that will evolve---but will be grounded in my drawings and less digital stuff-I need to go back and come forward again-I need to revisit and re-explore my roots in the arts and see where they are now.
Many years ago someone gave me a lovely leather bound journal and when I opened it the first entry was done for me-she had written a forward to the rest of the book where she explained that by breaking the fearful specter of the first blank white page she had driven back the phantoms of self doubt and the curse of the first entry.
I gave each or my niece and nephews a sketch book and pencils eraser and sharpener and in each book I started the first page with a drawing that was specifically for that person-I also did a comp book where I did the first entry for the recipient…sometimes I don’t think people get it.
There is theatricality to art and artists and a sense of “let’s pretend” I’m sad to say the response to that has been dull and lack luster-almost an embarrassed acknowledgement that perhaps I am a bit too eccentric.
Perhaps I am-I need and want to play-I want to embed a sense of wonder and pretending in things-I love going to wonderland where everything is just a bit off kilter and askew-it’s better there than here.
I would love to know how some crafters are able to turn out their mechanically neat and starched work so professional and tightly finished-I have felt my work is shaggy and a bit haphazard.
While friends reassure me that style is about professionalism and my style is professional at all times I guess I need to compulse less and enjoy the process more-As I have said repeatedly I know when I have done something good because I spend a long time looking at it-what I have been doing lately is taking the good stuff (or at least the pieces in which I am satisfied) and reworking them so they can be sent out for a variety of swaps and themes-something I have never heretofore done.
Originality being important to me I always employ a new idea when I begin to design but the sluggish responses and half hearted offerings I have received from some swap partners make me less enthusiastic about putting time into what I send out.
With all these disappointments and presuppositions I will have to evaluate my feelings and get past them because I also receive things that are close to miraculous, often generous and frequently pleasing and heartfelt (both work and comments/critiques).
ART, Design, all the things we do are exhausting to the system and while they lift us up they can also leave us gasping for air and out of creative breath when they come in too large a group of waves.
I think I need to prove my vitality to myself and I took on far too many swaps and projects so I ignored the learning curve and just jumped in everywhere at once and turned out huge masses of work.
I will pull back from that a bit this year.
This evening I snuggled down and watched JULIA and JULIE on pay per view-a delightful journey and full of wonderful performances-I’m sure Meryl Streep will be nominated but I wonder if the subtle and intricate range of emotions and moods evidence by Stanley Tucci as Julia Child’s husband will get an Oscar nod and the same goes for Amy Adams and the fellow who plays her husband-subtle wonderful naturalistic styles played against the bigger than life canvas portrayed on Meryl Streep’s side of the picture-the entire thing was charming and satisfying.
So now to get past New Years eve-I detest New Years activities and usually hide out-it has been my tradition for many years to find some really fine cinnamon rolls and along with a pot of well brewed coffee I sit alone and rip apart the Rose Parade designs-this year I can do it in 40inch 1081 120hz High Def-probably with a Bob’s Flower Garden candle from TRAPP adding the smell o’Vision aspect to the event.
I hope all of you have a rich, fill healthy 2010-here we are a full decade into this new century isn’t that remarkable?
And may each of us find a connection with our creativity that is new and fresh and resparks the passion that drives our creativity…
Happy New Year!